If you have ever experienced an important loss or a mental health issue during this time of year, you may have noticed that every successive holiday season can feel like a small version of living it over again. No matter how well things are going through Thanksgiving, once the calendar turns to December, feelings of dread, sadness, or isolation return. Why do the holidays do such a good job of hanging on to our pain? In this post, I offer some answers to that question in hopes that it well help you make sense of that pattern, find reasons for hope, and take away some suggestions for more complete recovery from your pain. If you have not experienced this yourself, reading this will help you better recognize and offer support for friends and loved ones who may be struggling this season.
1. associations with Christmas Music
The first reason why holiday pain is so stubborn is that there's Christmas music everywhere this time of year — and no, I’m not making a joke about cheesy songs. Music is powerful for influencing thoughts, feelings, and behavior, and songs can take on new meaning when something important happens around them. Music has the power to soak up sentiment and produce it on command, which is why it is used to sell, to inspire, to comfort, and to excite. So when you experience great pain at the holidays while hearing the same few dozen songs, those songs soak it up. And because those songs are almost never heard outside of this season, they don’t get a chance to lose that association with the hard time. In short, Christmas music becomes a mixtape for your time of suffering, and it’s being played everywhere for a month each year.
2. Shorter Days, More Darkness
For those of us in the northern hemisphere, this is the time of year that the days are shortest and we spend the most time in darkness. That lack of sunlight is a primary cause of problems for some people, and even for those who had a different issue initially, the lack of sunlight can make things worse.
3. Routines are Disrupted
Routines are an important part of how we take care of ourselves and function well, and this time of year, a lot of that goes out the window. School wraps up for the year. People travel. Friends you usually see become busy with family obligations. Did I mention it gets dark earlier? The structure and small pleasures that help you along most of the year become sporadic or entirely absent.
Then on top of losing what you are used to doing, there are additional demands on the time that you usually use for rest. Weekends become filled with events — family parties, office gatherings, shopping, and traveling. Not to mention that many parents lose most of a night of sleep between December 24th and 25th. Altogether, these disruptions to routine cause stress, and sometimes, that extra stress tips the scales from ‘okay’ to ‘struggling.’ (And this goes double for people especially sensitive to these changes such as those with various neurological differences.)
4. We’re Supposed to Be Happy; Others Seem Happy
For a variety of reasons (religious, cultural, and commercial), this season tends to be framed as a time to be joyful and happy, so it can be very isolating to feel miserable while all of that is going on around you. In addition to seeing genuinely happy people all over the place (most people do enjoy this season and the festivities), the incessant messaging about being happy can hammer home feelings of shame and thoughts of defectiveness: ‘Why can’t I just be happy like other people?’ Or social like other people. Or outgoing. Or whatever you beat yourself up for.
5. The Holidays are Stressful for everyone
Finally, there are all the reasons that the holidays are normally stressful even without having had tragedy or personal crisis in a previous year. Seeing family can be complicated. Choosing and buying gifts can be significant work. The season can be expensive between gifts and travel, and while some people get bonuses, many of us earn less over the holidays as business activities slow down.
If Not Joy, Maybe Hope
If you've had this experience, I understand how hard it can be, because I went through a version of this myself for years. I want you to know that, eventually, it does get better, even if you just wait it out. However, if you can return to relatively more normal Decembers sooner rather than later, that would be my hope for you, especially if you never received help around the original painful issue. There are many steps one can take that can be the beginning of positive change, but one of the strongest moves against this kind of pattern is engaging in therapy.
I recognize that finding a therapist can be hard, so I recently wrote about finding the right therapist.
For those of you in the Atlanta area, I would be glad to hear from you if you are thinking about therapy or even if you just found this post helpful. I can be contacted through my website, by email, or by phone (470-571-0088) and typically respond promptly.
Wherever you are and whatever your plan for the next few weeks, if you are in this situation, I hope you are at least able to offer yourself self-compassion and some leeway from the guilty thoughts that you are somehow wrong for not being happy. Hang on to hope where you can find it, and remember that this month will pass soon.